Episode 14: The Glamorous Life

From ABC: Hostility grows between Angie and Gaby; Susan makes friends with a stripper; Tom and Lynette argue about their new therapist; Bree fears Orson might take his own life.

Bree

Basically, Orson is going nuts. He has always had crazy mood swings, but has suddenly gotten tranquil. Yup, that’s what people do when they’re about to kill themselves. And we’re right- Orson has decided that’s his next step.

Bree walks in to Orson dividing up all of his stuff to Roy, Carlos, and Mike. We’re a little curious about why Tom isn’t there… Bree freaks out and scolds them for taking advantage of a poor paralyzed man. Roy replies, “Hey, at my age, it’s just a short term loan.”

Orson is writing his suicide note, which Bree happens to see. And she is not happy. He’s made up his mind to end his life, but is willing to give Bree some time to get used to the idea. Bree flips out and in her usual controlling fashion, tells Orson, “I will remove every knife, rope, and pill in this house, and if I need to, I will be with you 24 hours a day.” Orson replies (and we have to agree with him here), “Well, being bored to death wasn’t how I was planning on going.”

So Bree’s first plan is to put different neighbors on suicide watch. Roy falls asleep. Wow Roy, it’s not like someone’s life is on the line or anything. Orson is calmly reading and tells Bree, “Hello Bree, can we please cross Roy off the suicide watch list?”

Bree brings Chris and Ron, two people on wheelchairs. Orson is an absolute jerk to them when they try to explain about everything that people in wheelchairs can still do, even with their disability. Then we find out the real problem: Orson is so angry because “my wife stays with me solely out of obligation.” She can’t even say that she loves him, only that she “care[s] very deeply for you.” Orson completely calls Bree out. Why couldn’t you just lie, Bree? Have a heart! However, in typical DH fashion, there is some humor in the scene, as Chris and Ron try to roll out and Bree won’t let them, saying she made tea so they must stay.

At a 50th anniversary for a friend of Bree’s, Orson rolls slowly towards a pool while Bree is inside watching the happy couple dance. The man tells the group at the party that even though their relationship wasn’t always easy, “no matter how old we get, we can always remember what made us fall in love in the first place.” Aw, so adorable. We’re tearing up. Old people are beyond precious.

Bree sees Orson heading for the pool out the corner of her eye, and she runs outside to stop him. She tells him that although she doesn’t love him anymore right now, “[She] wants to capture what we once had.” Although it’s admirable that they’re giving their relationship another shot, and he is better for her than her other relationships, like Rex in season one, for example, we’re a little suspicious. Bree was talking about her love for Karl a few episodes ago, and now she isn’t even thinking about him?

Gaby and Angie

Angie is waging a war on people that don’t recycle. Wow, so we always knew that Angie had some hippie characteristics, but she’s taking it pretty far. Tree hugging? Who are you, Al Gore?

By the way, Angie has a huge head. Never noticed that before.

And wow, Nick is finally back. He wants Angie to calm down with the environmental kick, but she just mentions how Patrick loved the green movement. Who is this guy?

Gaby comes to the Bolens to get Ana, who is apparently upstairs with Danny. Angie let them close the door in his bedroom because their music was too loud, to which Gaby replies “Why don’t you just crack a bottle of champagne on Ana’s pelvis and wish Danny bon voyage?” Angie, however, thinks it’s pointless to worry because it’s bound to happen. Knowing Gaby, she’ll find a way to prevent it.

Carlos comes home to find Gaby unloading a grocery bag of contraceptives, apparently having given in to the idea that Ana is going to have sex. Carlos, however, doesn’t take it quite so well and says, “I’m going to kill him with my bare hands… and bury him… beneath the porch.” That wouldn’t be surprising, considering his reaction to John and Gaby’s affair in season one.

However, Carlos exploits Gaby’s weakness: her general dislike for caring for children, by explaining that if Ana gets knocked up, Gaby will be watching and raising another kid. Gaby asks Carlos why “is this my problem, she’s your trampy niece!” to which he replies, “Because if she gets pregnant, I’ll be in prison for killing what’s beneath the porch.” Oh, very mature Carlos. It is cute that he cares so deeply for Ana. We can only imagine what he’s going to be like when Juanita and Cecilia come home with boys one day. We’re thinking he’ll be the one polishing his guns on the front porch.

Gaby has her own version of  “the talk” with Ana, which involves writing a check so Ana can go to modeling school for a year and get a nice apartment in New York. The catch? Ana has to graduate high school without having sex. Have fun proving that one. Although Gaby’s belief that “[Ana is] the kind of girl who responds to cold, hard cash” is very accurate. We love how manipulative Gaby is, but don’t think she’s going to be signing that check at the end of the season.

And we’re right. While Gaby is giving the girls a bath upstairs, Ana decides to not stick with her promise. Of course, Carlos walks in, grabs Danny by the neck, and slams him up against the wall. Someone is taking the high road. Angie sees what is going on through a window and storms over, chucking a vase, which ironically hits the base of a portrait of the Virgin Mary. Angie threatens Carlos and storms out. What does this mean for the lovely young couple? Angie and Gaby aren’t going to let this relationship happen.

As Angie is on her way home, she is stopped by a woman mixing her paper and plastics, who screams “suck it earth!” We really love how mature this woman is. So Angie responds the way any normal person would: she silently kicks down all of the woman’s garbage cans.

Gaby and Carlos go to try and make up with Angie, but when they get to the door, they hear Nick and Angie screaming at each other. And, of course, typical of Wisteria, Gaby and Carlos just lean into the door to listen, while eating the cookies they brought over as a “we’re sorry” gift. They’re there long enough to hear Nick say, “If they start poking around, we’re done!” Gaby is going to get to the bottom of this little mystery.

Susan

Susan goes to sell her share in the gentlemen’s club and sees one of the exotic dancers reading “Moby Dick.” She is, naturally, shocked. We find out her name is Robin and she has always wanted to be a teacher, but couldn’t get the money to pay for college to achieve this goal. Susan tries to comfort her by telling her she can do whatever she wants with her life.

The next day, Robin shows up at Susan’s house and tells her that she quit her job as a stripper and wants Susan to tell her what to do next. Susan acts on her first impulse and offers Robin a job at her school as the art teacher’s assistant. Considering Robin’s last mentor was a stripper named Candy who od’ed, Susan should be a great role model by contrast. Even though she is nuts.

While Susan tries to convince Mike about her plan to help Robin, who hasn’t saved up anything over her years at the club, due, in part to “the rising cost of glitter,” according to Susan, MJ is infatuated with the visitor. When Robin tells MJ she doesn’t have any skills to get a job, MJ replies, “You’re pretty. You could be a princess.” He also tells Robin that she can give him a bath. Oh God, this is going to get awkward. MJ has a ridiculously scandalous mind! Oh, the youth of America. Such promise.

On her first day, Robin tells Susan, “You really took a chance on me. No one has ever done that for me before. So thank you.” Aw, bringing tears to our eyes! Susan, you are the Mother Teresa of Wisteria. However, one of the fathers of a student in the class recognizes Robin from her previous job and she is immediately fired to keep the school’s reputation intact.

After Robin is fired from her new job, she has nowhere to go, so Susan wants to help her. She asks Mike if it would be okay if Robin moved in with them, to which he replies, “You’re asking if I’m okay with having a stripper live with us…I’m going to go with no…I  think it’s a trick question.”  At least Susan wants to make a positive difference in someone’s life!

Lynette

So this therapist wants Lynette to let Tom make some decisions and take control. Let’s see how long this lasts. The therapist tells Tom she’s in a play and he, probably because he has some odd sort of crush on her, decides that they need to go. We just want to tell the therapist to focus on her job, not acting. And stop blaming Lynette for all the problems in her and Tom’s marriage.

They show up at the production of “Antony and Cleopatra,” and the therapist is pretty much the worst actress ever. Like our ears were bleeding because of her annoying voice. Yeah, we hate this therapist.

Tom and Lynette get home from the play whining about how awful it was. They compare it to Parker’s second grade Arbor Day play, but Lynette says, “At least we were drunk for that.” For some reason, we just don’t doubt that. Such supportive parents.

After that train wreck performance, Lynette wants to dump the therapist because she lost so much faith in her, but Tom still believes in her abilities. He actually attempts to take some control in the relationship. It happens so rarely that we’re shocked.

At their next therapy sesh, Lynette cannot take the therapist seriously. Lynette tells her, “You really weren’t very good [in the play] and I’ve sort of lost confidence in you as a therapist.” The therapist replies, “It’s the same thing in your marriage; you criticize Tom, but you won’t be specific. It’s the coward’s way out” when Lynette won’t explain exactly what was so awful. So Lyentte goes off on her, while Tom tries to play good cop. Again. Lynette calls him out on it, and he tells her that he has to be nice because she is always so awful to people.

However, they realize that they have put themselves so deeply in their roles as “good cop” or “bad cop” that they have a hard time changing. So Tom finally stands up and tells the therapist how pathetic she was in the play. Basically, they bond over their dislike for their therapist’s acting skills. What a healthy relationship.

Not in this episode

We’re just crushed that Katherine wasn’t in this episode. Not. She’s probably out there ruining the lives of some other perfect couple. It’s actually legitimately disappointing that Bob and Lee were missing. Can Lee just be an honorary housewife please?

Predictions for next week:

Unfortunately, no previews for next week. But we heard through the rumor mill that a certain housewife will be experimenting… and not with new kinds of straitjackets!

Kate Froehlich can be reached for comment at [email protected]

Allison Walczyk can be reached for comment at [email protected]