Episode 19: We all deserve to die

From ABC: Determined to derail Preston’s marriage to Irina, Lynette discovers the truth about her future daughter-in-law; Gaby offers to help Bob and Lee without considering the consequences.

A young girl is missing, but no one really paid attention to this news.  Except for one man. Hmm…

Bree:

Andrew really did go through with his investigation of Sam, and he decides to confront his mother and Sam about what he found. Turns out, Sam didn’t complete his coursework to get his MBA. As Andrew said, “Is one of [those classes] ethics?” However, Sam—who obviously sees himself as Mr. Perfect— was allowed to graduate with his class after leaving school early to take care of his dying mother. He is way too good to be true. There is something we just don’t trust about him.

Apparently, Andrew bought more vodka than was needed for a catering event and took some for his own house party. In effect, he stole from a customer. Of course, Sam brought it to Bree’s attention. Andrew tells Bree, “Can’t you see that he’s manipulating you?” Bree is completely blinded by Sam’s charm. They argue, and Andrew basically tells Bree to fire him, which she does, as Sam looks on.

When Sam attempts to sympathize with Bree, she tells him that this is the story of her relationship with Andrew: they fight, Bree pushes him away, and Andrew comes back because “he’s my son.” Very true; remember how Bree left Andrew on the side of the road, and he became basically a homeless male prostitute? And then they grew close last season…

Sam is going to try and completely break this relationship though. He is sick, but so convincing!

Bree is attempting to sell her new cookbook, but companies think her down-home cooking theme is dead beat. So she throws a dinner party in an attempt to convince the executives to sponsor her book. The man she’s working with tells her that if the dinner does not go over well, Bree will never publish a book again. So basically Bree’s career is completely on the line.

Fearing for her career, Bree goes to the kitchen. Sam tastes the food and informs her that instead of sherry drizzled on the ribs, vinegar was in the bottle. Sam puts the idea in Bree’s head that Andrew did it because he hasn’t turned in his keys yet. Yeah, nice try Sam, but it’s obvious that you are orchestrating this entire situation. Luckily, Bree saves the dinner by setting off the sprinkler system, soaking all of the food before anyone could have a chance to eat.

Orson is shockingly cheery that night. So we guess he’s not depressed anymore and is suddenly in love with his wife again? Bree is so upset about Andrew apparently screwing her over that she “[doesn’t] think I’ll ever smile again.” However, Orson isn’t so sure: “Andrew’s not clever enough to pull that off. He can’t even steal a case of wine without getting caught.” Despite that this is a cheap shot, he is correct, and Bree realizes that Sam isn’t quite who she thought he was. Wow Bree, we could have told you that.

Gaby:

Gaby is caught eavesdropping on an argument between Bob and Lee. Apparently their egg donor backed out. When Gaby walks in to talk to Bob about what happened, Lee comes back downstairs, upset that Gaby knows what happened, to which Gaby says, “I was eavesdropping, for God’s sake, keep up.” First of all, before we go any further, we’d like to thank Marc Cherry for featuring Bob and Lee. They are the most fantastic couple on the street. Anyway, Gaby offers to donate her eggs to the couple so they can have a child. Whoa, Gaby must really like Bob and Lee to sacrifice her body again.

When Gaby tells Carlos, he flips out and says no, claiming that he owns half of her eggs. At first, we were shocked at how sexist Carlos was acting, but he makes a great point: he buys all of her clothes, will pay for her implants one day, etc. Or, as he said, “If I don’t own it [your body], I’m at least a major stockholder.” We don’t even understand why Carlos is so against this – for once, Gaby wants to do something to help other people instead of herself. There’s a first time for everything. As she tells Carlos, “I’m trying to do something noble…I’m going to help Bob and Lee have a baby so they can experience the same love and joy we sometimes experience.”

So Gaby officially decides to donate her eggs, and has a glass of champagne with Bob and Lee to celebrate. Well, actually they don’t give her any, not just because it affects her fertility, but because Gaby’s “a sloppy drunk.” Bob and Lee talk about how they want a girl to enter her in baby beauty contests, and then Gaby starts to refer to the situation by including herself – “our” child. Bob and Lee explain that they’re planning on moving to New York to be near their family. As Bob said, “This child, it will have your genes, but it won’t be yours.” Gaby can’t handle the idea of not seeing what is technically her child, tearing up as she looks at her own children and thinking about never seeing them again. By the way, Cherry, BOB AND LEE CANNOT MOVE. Get rid of Katherine and Robin, but not our favorite characters.

Off camera, Carlos told Bob and Lee that he didn’t want Gaby to have a child, although it was obviously a mutual decision. When Gaby goes to talk to Bob and Lee about it, she found out that our favorite couple broke up. NOOO, THIS IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAPPEN. According to Bob, “Lee said he can’t go through it again and I’m determined to have a child.” Okay, so even though this is the worst breakup since Susan and Mike, we think that they might be screwing with Gaby and trying to guilt her into having the child. And it is going to work.

Lynette and Irena:

Preston and Irena are going to get married, and there’s nothing Lynette can do to stop them.  Or is there?

Lynette, pretending to be the good mother-in-law that she doesn’t want to be, takes Irena to a Russian bridal shop.  While Irena is trying on yet another gown, the owner tells Lynette how annoying and rude Irena is.  Irena’s phone rings and Lynette picks it up, expecting it to be Preston.  Instead, the caller is a rapidly-speaking Russian man. Lynette hands the phone over to Irena, who yells something at the man before hanging up.  Lynette asks what the call was about, but Irena, as we predicted, refuses to say anything.

When Irena goes back into the dressing room to change, the owner tells Lynette what Irena had said to the man on the phone: “Go ahead and call the police.  You’ll never find me.”

Lynette goes home and sneaks into Irena’s room, where she finds her passport.  She hears footsteps and dives behind the closet door, watching as Preston and Irena walk in and start to—you know.  Grossed out of her mind—well, who wouldn’t be?—Lynette grabs a baseball from the dresser and throws it at the window.  The window smashes into pieces, distracting the busy couple and giving Lynette the opportunity to slip out of the room.

Lynette calls the immigration office in the hopes that they’ll find something suspicious on Irena’s record.  When they don’t return her call, Lynette attempts to buy time before the wedding by hiding one of Preston’s shoes in the oven.  Hold on—what?  Irena just got her dress the day before.  They’re getting married already?   Just as Lynette is about to give up and face the wedding, a car pulls up in front of her house.  A lady from the immigration office hands her a file that contains everything Lynette wanted to find.

Irena is admiring herself in the mirror.  If only she knew what was going to wipe that smug look off her face.  Lynette enters the room, file in hand, and informs Irena that she knows everything.  In short, Irena is already married and has also emptied out an Italian man’s bank account.  Irena denies the claims, making up her own sob story.  When she realizes Lynette won’t give up, she tells Lynette that Preston will believe everything she says.  “In an hour, I’ll be the most important person in his life.”  Too bad Preston was standing outside the room that whole time.  Oops.  Needless to say, the wedding is called off.

Lynette just saved Preston from what would have been an awful mistake, and yet he is still upset with her.  This is  understandable, considering Preston was oh-so-in-love with Irena.  Lynette knows he just needs time, so she tells him, “Hate me for as long as you want, and when you are done, I will be here waiting…try not to wait too long because I miss you already.”  Aw!  Why does Lynette always have the most emotional story lines?

The last we see of Irena is when she slowly walks down Wisteria Lane, on her way to a cheap motel.  Preston’s friend, Eddy, picks her up and tells her she can stay with him.  Irena laughs, saying, “I’m a little out of your league.  I didn’t come to America to wind up with some greasy haired little boy.”  Ouch.  No one wants to hear that, but Eddie took the words a little too harshly.  He swerves to the side of the road and then just kills her.  We had been forewarned of a death, but we weren’t expecting it to be Irena.  Still, we’re kind of glad she’s out of the picture.

Susan:

Looking out her kitchen window one morning, Susan—who by the way is wearing a hideous paisley bodysuit—sees a man creeping around Mike’s truck.  She immediately runs outside and screams “Fire, fire!” to attract the attention of all of her neighbors.  She then explains to the man, whom she thinks is a criminal, that people come faster when they hear fire.  And indeed they do.  Even Lee, wearing a robe and a bright yellow towel on his head, runs over with a fire extinguisher and yells “Stop, drop, and roll!”

It turns out that the man is here to repossess the truck because Mike is four months behind on his car payment.  We can’t sympathize with him here.  Susan has offered multiple times to use the money she earned from selling the strip club, but Mike is so proud that he refuses to take it.

So, Susan comes up with a brilliantly stupid plan: she pays her neighbors money so that she can break various appliances just so that they can turn around and call Mike for help.  “I’m having a problem with Mike and his male ego,” she tells Bree.  “So, can I clog your sink?”  As if Mike won’t figure out what’s going on when all of Susan’s friends suddenly have clogged drains.

Mike realizes what’s up when he finds Susan’s earring in Gaby’s bathtub.  Furious, he tells her that now he has to give all the neighbors their money back.  Susan breaks down and says, “If you can’t let me help you, then maybe there’s something wrong with our marriage.”  No, absolutely not.  This better not be some horrible foreshadowing of another divorce.  We cannot bear to see yet another one of our favorite couples fall apart.

Unwilling to let this happen, Mike tells a friend about his dilemma.  We were slightly afraid that the person, whom we couldn’t see at first, was Katherine.  Fortunately, it was just Carlos, who says, “Tell me how much you need.”  We appreciate Carlos’s help, but we can’t help but worry that Susan would get very upset if she found out about this.

The Bolen family / Patrick Logan mystery:

Patrick Logan is casually sitting in the local coffee shop, typing away on his laptop, when Danny walks up to him and asks what he’s writing.  Before we continue, we’d just like to note that Patrick looks absolutely gorgeous right now.  His eyes match his shirt perfectly.

Anyway, Patrick tells Danny that he’s writing a story and can’t figure out the ending.  He ends up explaining the story thus far—which in turn gives us viewers insight to the Bolen mystery.  As if the telling of the story to Danny—who is completely oblivious by the way—is not weird enough, Patrick asks Danny how the story should end.  Danny replies, “Seems to me [that] the guy would kill her.”  Ominously, Patrick Logan responds, “Funny— that was my first instinct too.”  Is this foreshadowing of some sort?

Angie is home alone when she hears a strange noise.  Grabbing a vase, she hesitantly walks to the back of the house to see if there is an intruder—Patrick Logan, perhaps?  The phone rings, and she jumps.  As she goes to answer it, the camera pans to the back door where Patrick is peering into the window.  We’d be lying if we said that scene didn’t send chills up our spines.

Back at the coffee shop the next day, Patrick tells Danny that the next scene in his novel is when the man found his lover alone.  He didn’t kill her because it would have been too easy.  Instead, he tells Danny, the man will take his lover’s child, leaving us to ask ourselves: what kind of sick bastard tells a kid this kind of story?

Predictions for next week:

Someone else is going to die at the hands of Eddie, and we bet it’s going to be another young girl. Who’s left on the block? Penny?

Also, our favorite leprechauns weren’t in this episode. Hopefully they were serious about going to Paris.

Kate Froehlich cna be reached for comment at [email protected]

Jenny Hottle can be reached for comment at [email protected]