Results from the annual drug and alcohol survey show that “pretty much everyone in the sophomore class is on heroin, OxyContin, you name it,” according to Principal Paul Barker.

“We should get the FBI and the DEA in here,” Principal Paul Barker said in an email addressed to the class of ’13.

More than 350 responses were received in a survey sent to 186 sophomore students.

Because the survey was anonymous, Barker could not tell what students were “messing with the survey.”

Barker sent out a new survey today, asking for sophomores to retake it “honestly and only once.”

“I am happy to report that your colleagues in the freshman, junior and senior classes have responded in more believable numbers,” Barker said in the email.