Beach season unofficially begins this Memorial Day weekend.  So, here’s the list of some things that you should and should not do while you’re at the beach.

Never throw sand

Throwing sand is obnoxious.  I don’t care what your annoying sibling did to you. Don’t throw sand at him or her.  No matter how you throw it, it will get caught in the wind and hit other people, who will feel like they have been pelted with a million stinging bumblebees.  Similarly, don’t run through the sand unless you know how to do it without kicking it up. 

Don’t use shovels in wet sand

I know it’s really fun to dig in the sand.  However, digging in the wet sand by the water with a shovel will inevitably end with the impalement of helpless, harmless sand crabs.

Don’t use child flotation devices

I understand that parents want their kids to be safe and not drown.  However, your kid just looks stupid in the flotation device and is never going to learn how to swim in a life jacket.  If you must use a flotation device, use it correctly.  If you put a “floaty” on a child’s back, that child will just end up floating face down in the water.  This won’t prevent them from drowning. 

Let your kids wipe out

Wiping out is not the end of the world.  Let your kids get pounded by the waves.  It will keep them from fearing the ocean. 

Don’t sit within arm’s length of a person you do not know

Trust me, having to hear the intimate details of someone else’s drunken sickness is not an experience that anyone wants to know about a stranger.  A general rule of thumb is to leave a walkway between your setup and the setup of strangers. 

Learn what a tide is

There’s nothing more annoying than some clueless group of people plunking their five tons of beach gear close to the water then backing up into you when a wave wipes out all of their stuff. There are handy inventions called tide charts which tell you when the tide is high and when it is low. Use them.  If you cannot trouble yourself to pick up a free one, the life guard stands often have the daily tides written on the back.

Learn the difference between a dolphin and shark fin

Here’s a hint: dolphin fins bob when they swim and shark fins go straight.  Don’t scream “SHARK!” when a pod of dolphins swims past.  Not only is this annoying, it also makes you sound stupid. 

Don’t steal someone else’s hole, sandcastle, or toys

Thou shalt not steal beach gear is the eighth commandment.  Follow it.  This commandment does not magically go away just because you are at the beach.  You may think that caring is sharing, but when someone ruins your castle masterpiece that took all morning to build, you’ll understand that sharing is overrated. 

Don’t walk through some else’s setup

I know that my towel is really cute and comfy looking.  That is why I bought it for me to use.  If you want a towel, buy your own.  Similarly, don’t walk in the middle of a group’s camp. 

Don’t feed the seagulls near other people

Seagulls are some of the most obnoxious creatures on the planet.  They congregate around food and then poop on innocent bystanders.  If you feel an overwhelming desire to feed the seagulls, do it at the back of the beach where no one else is sitting.